Perfectly Useless Concentration

 Photo by Adrian Collins Photography

Early on, when mornings were still surreal with the idea of you inside me--when you were the size of a poppyseed or even smaller, when my nurse spoke of you with caution, as if you could disappear at any moment, become reabsorbed into the darkness--that early, your dad predicted that you were a girl. 

"Look at the odds she's overcome already," he said to me. "A boy would've quit: 'Nah, t...

The first time I heard the phrase "birth plan," I had no idea what it meant. Then I found out, and honestly, I thought it was silly--the idea of planning to a T an experience over which I always assumed you'd have very little control. My birth plan? To get through it, with a healthy baby in my arms at the end. 

This morning, I see the smugness behind the "be flexible" veneer. Because I just realized that while I may not ha...

Photo by Adrian Collins Photography 

When I made a "Health" category for this blog, I sort of hoped I wouldn't have so much to say. But after the close calls of last year, I made a New Year's resolution to be proactive about my health. That meant admitting to myself that, after sixteen months, it was strange that I had not gotten pregnant. It meant making an appointment to investigate, instead of continuing to make excuses. It...

As a birthday gift, my mom wanted to take me shopping. So we were in the Nordstrom shoe department and I had one leg deep in a black over-the-knee boot when my phone rang. My mom was still smiling from whatever we'd been talking about before. She took a fraction of a second longer than I did to realize: this could be the call we'd been waiting on for almost a week. The results of my biopsy. 

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Last year was a year...

It's been a rough few weeks. Few months, if I'm being honest. One of those periods of time when everything--work, relationships, health, money--seems to require more effort for a shittier result. (I don't often talk so negatively, and I already feel guilty for it, but it's the truth.) So when I started to feel run down last week, I thought it was about time everything caught up to me. I took a long nap on Thursday afternoon an...

If you haven't read the first part of this post, it's right here.

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The stress test involved me trading a shirt and sports bra for a hospital gown, which was so big that Sean, the burly, bearded technician administering the test, gently placed two pieces of Scotch tape over the front opening to keep it closed while I first walked, then jogged, then ran. The treadmill faced a wall where someone had thumbtacked a plastic tarp...

Inside the body—my body, yours—a heart. Contracting, releasing, independent of the mind’s desires and yet linked in language to love and yearning, devastation and joy. Place your fingers beneath your jaw. Feel the movement of your heart. Is it calm and measured, each pulse occurring at precise intervals? Is it eager, clumsy as children’s footsteps down a hall? Is it strange to you, this feeling of your heart on your skin?

Histo...